On My Paige

Signs from the universe

2010-05-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about signs from God (or some call him "the universe.) My friend Melanie is moving far away. She has been such a good friend and encourager. I think anyone who knew her in college understands me when I say that she always makes you feel like everything will be OK. Her enthusiasm and passion has always inspired. I really feel like this is a good move for her and her husband, even though I will miss them. As we talked about their journey, she mentioned several things that had happened that seemed like very glaring signs telling them what to do.

I always wish I had more signs from God. I've never felt like I had good guidance on any decision I've made. Even now I hardly know what the "right" decision would have been when it comes to the big choices I've made. This weekend, though, I got an e-mail from a reader. She wrote to me (and my boss! yay!): "Really enjoyed Paige Dickerson's article on glass blowing this morning. She is a wonderful writer. I look forward to hearing much more from her. She should be writing books."

It was such a breath of fresh air. The article was a column, really. It has been a while since I've written one (besides my yet-to-be-published makeup article) and I really struggled with it. I struggled with the tone, the writing and, well, everything. But it also got changed a whole lot less than most of my articles, so I really feel like it was "mine" as opposed to some stories that get changed so much that my voice is lost. And the line from the reader "she should be writing books" of course spoke to me. That is what I've always wanted to do since first grade. I logically know that my chances of getting published are minuscule. I know that almost no one makes it and those that do don't necessarily make a living off of it. Yet here I am, still wanting that. Everything else has always felt like a means to an end.

I guess I've always felt like I need to be practical. That I should do it just in my spare time because it isn't practical or advisable. How do you know when to follow your heart? I know that in the past I've known people who had dreams that I could tell wouldn't come true. I wonder sometimes if those evaluating my writing feel the same way about me.

I'm also facing a lot of decisions myself right now. I don't feel the stress and pressure I used to feel with a decision, but I still don't know what the right thing to do is. My dad told me on the phone the other day, "We just want you to be happy. Do what is right for you." Sigh. If only I knew what that was. I also don't know if I even can be happy. People keep telling me that no one sustains happiness long-term. But there is no way most people in the world feel like I've felt the last 10 years. Or maybe they do and that is why our nation is in the mess it is in. I'm outwardly making good changes and slowly getting to a place where I don't feel like everything is falling apart.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson in the car on the way back from Seattle this weekend. Her song "Because of You" really struck me. I don't really feel like there is anyone in my life to sing this to. It isn't because of anyone but myself, but I do relate to the lyrics. Taking out the "Because of yous..." here is the chorus:
"I never stray too far from the sidewalk . . . I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. . . I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me . . . I am afraid." That is really how I've felt about all the major decisions in my life. Some people might say that if I want to change it I just need to change it. It isn't so simple.

I need a big sign from God.

Goodbyes

2010-04-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

I don't frequently say the word "Goodbye." With family and friends I usually say "talk to you later" and to sources on the phone usually "have a nice day." I lost a friend and a mentor yesterday. Bruce Beck was as good as they come. Up front and honest, he always gave me guidance when I needed it and stood up for me when I needed that. I'll never forget when a co-worker was yelling at me over something very small, berating me for not knowing something he had never told me. Bruce's indignation stood out to me. He always had the most stories for the week and the most sneezes in a row out of everyone I've known. The way he spoke about Tanya was inspiring. I felt like I knew her even before we ever met. Then after he welcomed me to his church family, I could see why he spoke so well of her.

Whenever I lose someone, I suppose it is a natural thing to think about others I've lost. Sources I've written about and cried for. Friends that have gone before. My dad Steve was the first person I lost. I wish I could say that I had some memories of him, but I have only vague and foggy impressions. I've been blessed to have my dad David to raise me. Two great fathers in a lifetime are more than any girl could ask for. I do treasure the stories my aunts, uncles, grandparents and mom have passed to me about him though. I like feeling as if I knew him.

The first person I have clear memories of losing was my friend Raul in Brazil. I don't remember the date he died, but I remember we used to have a kind of game that we wouldn't say "goodbye." Always we'd say "ate mas" (or "see you later.") The last time I saw him waving and shouting "ate mas" over my shoulder, he said, "goodbye." I always wondered if he somehow knew that in two short weeks he would leave the world.

And there was Mark. It has been about a year and a half, but it still hurts to think about losing one of the best guy friends I have ever had. Probably the most honorable I'll ever meet. This life thing is so weird. It is like the constant art of battling loss and of course the joys in there too.

Goodbye, Bruce. And to all those others who have gone before. We love and miss you and hope to encounter you one day again.

What's your "number"

2010-04-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

I read an article the other day that no matter how hard you try most people can keep up with only 150 friends. What do you think about yourself? The article on friendships took into account social networking and other forms of contact that might or might not be considered meaningful. They found that no matter how many "friends" you might have online you really can only keep up with 150 in any real way. Sometimes I feel like my "number" is far less than that. I feel like I do a terrible job as a friend keeping up with my friends, who are scattered all over the globe.

At some point something has to give. I think that my job should be taken into account too. I have probably a couple hundred sources. I have to keep up with the goings on in a city, three tribes, nine school districts, one national park and countless people on those beats. I think that eats into my "social energy" which already was never high. I was always more of a wallflower than a social butterfly. Do you think you can keep up with more people? Fewer people?

Is drifting OK? Natural? Not good? Through my whole life I've been shocked at who has made the effort to stay in contact and who has drifted away. I was surprised as a child, for example, by Matt. Even when a couple of my closer friends stopped writing, I continued to get letters from him even into high school (after I wasn't cool and living in Brazil.) Since high school, Louie has been really great about calling and e-mailing and IMing and staying in touch. Both of those surprised me. I wouldn't have predicted those to be enduring friendships. I think that I've always wanted to stay in touch so badly that sometimes it hinders my building friendships in the new place. I would spend so much time keeping in touch with those left behind that those who surround me at the present moment are ignored -- leaving me without a support system. I think I'm doing a better job of balancing, but I sometimes wonder if my friends feel neglected. Maybe it is just narcissistic of me to think that they notice that much. Everyone's lives move on, after all. I guess I'm reflective because my plans for my future seem to be in limbo. I don't know really what I'm going to do or go.

Do I move forward, backtrack or find a new path altogether? How much effort should be put into keeping the ties in good shape with those who will inevitably move on somewhere else and those who I will inevitably leave behind? Is it being a fair-weather friend or keeping your sanity?

Craziness

2010-01-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

I have officially submitted all of my stuff except for my statement of purpose to WWU. After asking about a million questions of the department head, I really feel like it would be a great place for me. I'm a little stuck, but I feel like I"m heading in the right direction. Opening paragraph is the main thing. A lot of purpose statements I've seen start with some sort of philosophical statement, but I think I'll go more personal. I don't know why I get so shy about all this stuff when the stuff I write is published in the newspaper every day. Sigh. I hope I'm cut out for all this.

Death

2009-10-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

If I were to stay in journalism for a long time, I suppose I would gradually not remember all of these people I have covered. There are many that I have already forgotten. Deaths have a way of sticking in my mind though. Sometimes it is the unusual cause of death that burns it in my memory. Other times it is the one who has gone or the ones that remain that are forever with me.

The first obituary I ever wrote was for Jackie Watkins, the longest tenured professor at Midwestern State University. It was on deadline -- he had passed away on deadline day at the newspaper. I interviewed his widow and a family friend. His wife was so gracious to speak with me, and I think for my first obituary it worked out fairly well. I remember how nervous I was and how I had to muffle the urge to say "have a good day" as was my common way to hang up the phone back then. I don't do that anymore.

Since then it has been a flurry of people that my words have announced the parting of lives from this world. 15-year-old Zachary Weir and his adult assailant Eloise Evans' suicide was the first murder I ever covered. I can still remember the day clearly. I was the only reporter on duty and had spent most of the day at a gas leak in another part of Amarillo. When I got back no one had checked the paper-jammed fax machine. At 5:30 p.m. that evening the news editor handed me the fax and I looked at it in disbelief. And then I hopped into action. I didn't get much more information than was in the press release, but I learned a lot. But the thought of that little boy has never left me.

I didn't do many obituaries in Amarillo, especially once I had moved to the features department. Here at the PDN, I have written many.

Kaylee Springfield. When this smiling little girl died, I took a break, went to my car and cried. I know it is looked down on by many in the business to be emotional about the deaths we cover, I think it makes me better at my job sometimes. Certainly a better human. Kaylee died from complications from leukemia. Her mother suffers from brain cancer, had breast cancer and ovarian cancer. When her mom came in to tell us that Kaylee had died, she asked for me and we went to the conference room and she told me about her daughter's last minutes. Unfortunately she had been in a medicine-induced coma because the pain from the treatment was too much to handle. When I asked her mom what she wanted people to remember about her daughter, she said, "Her smile." I think when the story was through with editing the quote ended up at the end. I hope some people made it there. Kaylee's smile was something special. It is hard to believe that I knew so much about the child and yet I never met her or even spoke to her. It was her mother that really impacted me. The raw grief that was void of tears while we sat in the conference room vibrated through me. The way Kim's tiny body trembled when she hugged me and said, "thank you" for the stories I had written. I talked to Kim the other day and I still feel a connection, though I'm fairly sure that I was far more impacted by her family than she by me.

Christin Stock. This murder-suicide was so alarming and emotional to cover that I briefly considered quitting journalism right then and there. The young mother was making her way through school on the way to her teaching certificate when she was brutally murdered by her ex-boyfriend who also killed himself in the process. Her two daughters were upstairs at the time. Their faces when they ran out of the house under the cover of police and into the arms of family friends (their only surviving relatives were all out of state at the time) are burned in my mind. I was choking up interviewing neighbors. Through the next week I think I proved myself to my bosses by getting the stories done. I also proved myself to the law enforcement. Since this time, I have continued to have a good relationship with them. I doubt they remember this incident in particular, but it really was an important time to show sensitivity while maintaining a composure. I also proved to myself that I was stronger than I thought.

V-A-C-A . . . T-I-O-N

2009-08-07T05:16:00.000-07:00

Yay! It is officially my real vacation of the year. It is very, very much needed. I think the Texas heat might kill me and I'm slightly nervous about driving my dad's stick shift, but I think I'll survive! I'm a trooper right? Tonight I'm going to go out for a bit with my sister. It will be kind of late, but I'm trying to maximize my time there! I miss everyone so much. I love living in beautiful Washington and it really feels like home in the Northwest, but I do miss my family/friends. I wrote another Twilight article yesterday. I'm kind of tired of writing about it but the numbers are ASTOUNDING!! I mean 16,000 people visited the visitor center in Forks in ONE MONTH. Crazy! I wonder how many never even went by now that the GPS locations are available online for the self-guided tour. Amazing. ok well I have to get on a plane right now!! V-A-C-A

Inspired by Forks

2009-08-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have to say that when I first moved up here everyone said, "You're moving where????" (Of course in that tone as if I were crazy!) And now I get comments about how jealous people are of where I live. I'm trying very hard to learn a good lesson from the tiny town of Forks. At just about 3,000 residents, it is one of those "blink and you'll miss it" towns. But everyone surely knows about Twilight at this point. Incredible. Just last month alone the visitor center had 16,000 visitors. What I"m trying to learn form them is to take what good there is and run with it and to let the bad just roll off my back. It is easier said than done and Forks certainly has growing pains of its own, but the town is flourishing very well. May I flourish just as well and learn to take the good and discard the bad.

Busy, Busy girl!

2009-08-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so busy lately! On Friday I'm going to TEXAS to see my family yay!! I'm very much looking forward to seeing everyone.

Anyone got tips on how to stay cool? I'm very much afraid of the heat this time. After 2.5 years of living in the temperate Northwest I'm beginning to think that 80 degrees is hot. But, oh my, that is only the morning temps in Texas. Scary!

Old Pictures!

2009-07-08T22:50:00.001-07:00

So hilarious!!! I came across some old pictures. So many good times!

Smokey

2009-06-08T00:14:00.001-07:00

Hahaha. Here I am when the building was being reroofed, and the entire building smelled like burning tar. The smell was giving me a headache, so I improvised! Many thanks to Chris for allowing me use of his photo.

Awesome!

2009-06-02T22:36:00.001-07:00

I love this new site I found! This weight loss site is funny and irreverent. In fact, I think I'll use them for inspiration as I start to get back into shape again. If you want to read more about the site click on the links at the bottom otherwise you'll just sign up for it. LOL. I am quite inspired lately and am hoping to shed 20 pounds by the end of summer.

I'm thinking of going swimming once or twice a week. It really isn't that expensive and it is a relaxing way to exercise too. I already have a swim suit but no goggles so have to make due by not opening my eyes toooo much under water. I've been pretty good about doing something active on the weekends so it is just during the week that I need to work on. Mostly it is eating for me because I enjoy working out. (I KNOW! Who would have thought???)

Ah, Springtime

2009-05-31T01:11:00.000-07:00

It was such a lovely weekend. Heather and I drove over to John Wayne Marina and walked around a bit. The colors were achingly beautiful. I don't usually want a boat, but that made me wish for one because it was simply a great day for a nap aboard a ship! So beautiful.

Last night I was going through some old pictures and found one of me and a kid from when I was very tiny (Kyle Martin) and it started me thinking about the nature of friendships. I read regularly a blog called Fractured Friendships. I am fascinated by all things relationship (not just boys and girls... but friendships, parents, children, frienemies and so on), so this blog appeals to me on many levels. Seeing this picture of Kyle made me wonder how many friends I've lost track of over the years.

Since I've moved to Washington, I believe that I've changed a great deal in some ways. In other ways I'm exactly the same as I was when I was 8. I once heard a quote that said all women are like onions, no matter how many layers on on there part of them is still 4 and part of them is still 14. Sorry to whomever said that, because I don't remember who it was! I'm way more assertive and independent than I was in college or even after. I'm confident in my professional capabilities, but sometimes I really want a group of friends to have a girls night with! I keep trying to convince my friends to move up here but alas I guess they have lives or something. Hehe.

Anyhow, in Fractured Friendships, Dr. Irene was saying that there seems to be a shelf life to friendships. Do you guys find this is true? Do friendships fizzle after circumstances drag you guys apart or do you make the effort to stay in touch? Does that even work or is a long-distance friendship about as effective as a long-distance relationship? So far I'm still in close touch with most of my Texas friends, so far so good.

Scratchy throat

2009-05-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. My throat is officially sore. I'm going to bed early in the hopes of preventing this sickness that is being passed around the office. Let's cross our fingers!! The festival was so lovely. I love the Juan de Fuca Festival.

This really was a perfect weekend for a festival especially one with an outdoor part. The weather was so cooperative!

Trial

2009-05-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Today I covered a hearing for a man accused of murder. He doesn't speak any English, and it required two translators to get the point across to him (he speaks a very rare dialect of Mayan.) I was thinking how desperate one must feel not being able to communicate with anyone and being imprisoned. I was thinking that even if I were stuck in jail in Brazil, where I speak the language, I would be pretty freaked out (ok ok we all know I'm a goodie, goodie so I'd be freaked out in an American prison, but even more so in Brazil.) That isn't because of the scariness of jail, which it is, but because understanding the court system is complicated if your language skills are perfect, much less if it is your second language (or in that man's case a language you don't speak at all.) I found the process of the translators tedious but interesting. It takes four times as long to communicate anything but the process is fascinating.

Yay!

2009-05-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Louie has been helping me with my Web site and now we put it live. Eventually I'll buy my own domain and all that but temporarily he agreed to host it on his site! You can now visit http://paige.burntcitrus.com and see RSS feeds of several of my blogs! Enjoy!!!

Ducky Day

2009-05-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Absolutely beautiful sunny day! Perfect day for the annual Duck Derby. I enjoyed a few hours outdoors watching the little rubber ducks float down the Nippon canal. I didn't have a duck in the race -- I was only there for work -- so I wasn't too stressed out about the results. Plus it is always a fun thing to talk to the winners. This year the winner was a family with three boys -- all old enough to drive -- so they were pretty psyched when they won.

I think summer is slowly arriving, and I'm enjoying the beautiful sun. I think that the move to the Northwest was the best thing ever for me. I used to groan over sunny days, and now I appreciate them! But I still love the rain.

Unfortunately, I also had to cover a murder today. It is always heart wrenching to cover this sort of thing. Tomorrow I will probably have to follow up on it, and it isn't exactly my favorite thing. So sad when someone who is young dies.

Optimism

2009-05-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching "Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" in which Michael J. Fox talks about his journey with optimism. I also want to read the book Always Looking Up, but haven't yet. There was a phrase which was rather revealing to me.

MJF says that some people who are pessimists need to hear bad things because it is their way of dealing with problems. They need the worst-case scenario in order to figure out how to navigate around it. Optimists on the other hand need to hear how good things are to do the absolute best in a situation. If you switch either . . . they do worse in many situations. I found that interesting. I consider myself an optimist and I think that is why hearing all this stuff about the economy and all the awful things about the world I tend to flounder.

So, I think I'm going to make it a goal to feed good things into my brain. I would like to start taking some time to myself with some lighter exercise like pilates or yoga in the morning.

The truth is I feel kind of lost still. But it seems like things are slightly looking up. I think I've found myself (to use an annoying phrase from books/movies.) I guess now I just need to find my place in the world. So many ideas and not enough time. Do you think I'll succeed in making my way?

On to the room!

2009-05-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

Cleaned my downstairs now on to the upstairs. Sigh. Toooo much cleaning. But it is so awesome when it is finished.

From My House

Currently reading the book club book Perma Red so we'll see how that goes! Looks like I got an extra day to read because it got postponed one day. Other than that I'm taking it easy. Tomorrow I'll finish my laundry and go for an adventure in Port Townsend.

Spring Cleaning

2009-05-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

I cleaned the house today! It looks awesome. Now... just got to keep it that way :-P easier said than done. But I do feel cleansed like it is a new beginning.

I am glad to have it done and am hopeful that I can get more done tomorrow.

How do you stay neat and tidy?

Sizzlin'

2009-04-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today I ordered three cookbooks from Paperback Swap. I love that site. I can satiate my desire for books and also not spend any money! It is awesome. The wait stinks, but other than that it is all good. I got a few "healthy" cook books because I have been craving some lighter food -- which is usual for me as the weather warms (I always crave heavy fatty foods in the winter....) So hopefully they get here soon and I can test them out! I'm also trying to save a little money on food and not eat out so I think if I can spice things up at home it will be better. I think I'm going to do the SlimFast thing so that I have a regular breakfast (cereal usually) and then a slimfast and snack for lunch and then a real meal for dinner. It is the only logical way I can make it through my stressful day. I simply do not have the energy to come home and make a whole thing for lunch so I think some of these recipes will be good for the dinners. One is an all healthy chicken recipe book, so I think that will be interesting! We'll see how it goes when they get here!!

Personality type

2009-04-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

Check out my in-depth personality description.

Working hard, or hardly working?

2009-04-11T01:02:00.001-07:00

I LOVE this blog about loving what you you. It is by a guy who calls himself the "Chief Happiness Officer." However, it was this guest blog that recently caught my eye (I read the blog on a regular basis.) I particularly like the part about comprehensive training. (Though yes the pay and benefits part also caught my eye.....) But training is a part of any business that is so often overlooked and during these trying economic times, it is often one of the first things that is cut. I was glad to see that someone who is smarter than I am thinks it is right up there with ways to increase retention -- which many employers, I believe, forget that actually saves money in the long run.

Just had to share!

Bummer!

2009-04-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

Grrr. Just one of those days. Yesterday I had a flat tire. Today my SPARE was flat. At least it is my weekend. I'll get that and laundry finished up. I need a good break.

Question: Does everything just fall into place for some people? Or is it like this for everyone? Feeling the constant struggle. . .

My Big, Fat Greek Wedding

2009-03-28T21:19:00.001-07:00

I saw this was on when I was at the gym and now I'm home watching it! I love this movie. I remember when it first came out, I was very skeptical of it, but as soon as I saw it I loved it. The fairytale quality is wonderful, especially since it is actually based on a real story.

It is difficult for me to write light and happy things. Most of my stories are somber and serious. I'm not sure I'm very good at being fun and exciting. What I love about this movie is how it reminds us how we all are a little crazy. :-)

Day off!

2009-03-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

Yay for a day off. It is crazy. I'm not really wanting to go back to work tomorrow, but, alas, I hoave no choice. Eight more days of work and then I get a real weekend. I'm very in need of the rest, so I'm very much looking forward to it! In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can get out of the office at a decent time each day this week. Hopeful, yes. Doubtful? Of course. One can always hope though.

Food Channel

2009-03-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

I absolutely adore this show on the Food Channel where people make these amazing cakes. Cakes in the shape of lockers, cheese, sushi and so much more. It is AMAZING. I like to cook but I can't hold a candle to these chefs.

I'm not a huge reality TV fan, but I am starting to really enjoy the shows like this. It gives me inventive ideas! Not that I can make what they are doing, but I can make a much more scaled down version. I suppose -- just like with books -- I go through phases. Different genres appeal to me at different times.

Thankfulness and random question

2009-03-13T00:22:00.000-07:00

Because life has been so stressful lately, I thought I should say a few things that I'm grateful for.

I am so grateful for my family and friends support and putting up with me even when I'm depressed and impossible.

I am so grateful to have a job in this kind of economy.

I am so grateful for the ocean and mountains so close to my home.

I am so grateful that I'm feeling better after a month of being sick.

I am so grateful that I'm getting healthier.

On another note... I was wondering if anyone had ever used GrandCentral or Google Voice. Of course I can't sign up for it yet but I was wondering if you have to have a phone line already or if you can have just Google Voice? Thanks!

Yum. Quiche!

2009-03-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

So today I made some "healthy" -ish quiche by using just egg whites and no crust. It was wonderful and worked out perfectly! I was excited. This last weekend I checked out "Body for Life" from the library and am going to attempt to follow that. I have been sick for more than a month with bronchitis, but hopefully by this weekend I will be recovered enough to return to the gym. I think I would like to make a goal of running a half marathon, though I haven't determined when that should be.

Anyhow, I'm excited. I've been staying way too busy and need to have a break soon! I have started in on a collection of short stories. I have quite a few going already and I might share a paragraph here and there, but don't want to put whole pieces out there just in case.

Busy, busy day tomorrow! I can't wait for the weekend.