Signs from the universe

This weekend I spent a lot of time thinking about signs from God (or some call him "the universe.) My friend Melanie is moving far away. She has been such a good friend and encourager. I think anyone who knew her in college understands me when I say that she always makes you feel like everything will be OK. Her enthusiasm and passion has always inspired. I really feel like this is a good move for her and her husband, even though I will miss them. As we talked about their journey, she mentioned several things that had happened that seemed like very glaring signs telling them what to do.

I always wish I had more signs from God. I've never felt like I had good guidance on any decision I've made. Even now I hardly know what the "right" decision would have been when it comes to the big choices I've made. This weekend, though, I got an e-mail from a reader. She wrote to me (and my boss! yay!): "Really enjoyed Paige Dickerson's article on glass blowing this morning.  She is a wonderful writer.  I look forward to hearing much more from  her.  She should be writing books."

It was such a breath of fresh air. The article was a column, really. It has been a while since I've written one (besides my yet-to-be-published makeup article) and I really struggled with it. I struggled with the tone, the writing and, well, everything. But it also got changed a whole lot less than most of my articles, so I really feel like it was "mine" as opposed to some stories that get changed so much that my voice is lost. And the line from the reader "she should be writing books" of course spoke to me. That is what I've always wanted to do since first grade. I logically know that my chances of getting published are minuscule. I know that almost no one makes it and those that do don't necessarily make a living off of it. Yet here I am, still wanting that. Everything else has always felt like a means to an end.

I guess I've always felt like I need to be practical. That I should do it just in my spare time because it isn't practical or advisable. How do you know when to follow your heart? I know that in the past I've known people who had dreams that I could tell wouldn't come true. I wonder sometimes if those evaluating my writing feel the same way about me.

I'm also facing a lot of decisions myself right now. I don't feel the stress and pressure I used to feel with a decision, but I still don't know what the right thing to do is. My dad told me on the phone the other day, "We just want you to be happy. Do what is right for you." Sigh. If only I knew what that was. I also don't know if I even can be happy. People keep telling me that no one sustains happiness long-term. But there is no way most people in the world feel like I've felt the last 10 years. Or maybe they do and that is why our nation is in the mess it is in. I'm outwardly making good changes and slowly getting to a place where I don't feel like everything is falling apart.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson in the car on the way back from Seattle this weekend. Her song "Because of You" really struck me. I don't really feel like there is anyone in my life to sing this to. It isn't because of anyone but myself, but I do relate to the lyrics. Taking out the "Because of yous..." here is the chorus:
"I never stray too far from the sidewalk . . . I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. . . I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me . . . I am afraid." That is really how I've felt about all the major decisions in my life. Some people might say that if I want to change it I just need to change it. It isn't so simple.

I need a big sign from God.